I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
