apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
