Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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