Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
