i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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