I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
