Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
