I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
