I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
