While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
