I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
