My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
