What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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