I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
the raccoons are back...
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