u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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