Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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