I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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