Jerry, you need to find god
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
