You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
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