five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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