Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
