I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
