My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
