what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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