I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
