I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
