So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
