I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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