I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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