I'm so fucking centered right now
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
