sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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