So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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