if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
