I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
