And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
