But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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