Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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