We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
