She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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