I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
