i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He kissed a someone with a penis
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
