Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
