Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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