I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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