so that wasnt chicken after all
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
either way he was missing a nipple.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
