I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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