Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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