she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Randomize
