She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
