Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
