Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
