When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
